Crack Pots

     Here I am in 2015! Nearly 4 years since my last treatment for breast cancer and so grateful to be here. The shadow of cancer never leaves though and each ache & pain that comes revives the fear since, if it comes back, it will have the scary "metastatic" word next to it. Turns out the the back pain I worried about in my last post, last fall, was not bone "mets" (yay!) but was secondary to a bad hip that showed up on an MRI (boo!) By Oct. I couldn't walk without limping and by Nov. I had a total hip replacement (left side, of course). Rehab wasn't perfect but I'm finally walking without a cane so I can finally see some sunlight through that cloud! I'm getting excited about long walks & hikes again.

     But wait. What's this? Why does it hurt like the devil when I barely press on my lower rib cage? What the...?  Initial layman prognosis was gallbladder - ok - so I ran to a doc. He said uh-uh, but your oncologist will probably want a CT scan. Um, WHY??? He played it cool but I figured it out - bcancer likes to go to the ribs. Damn!

     A sonogram of my abdomen was necessary anyway but it showed healthy organs, woo! Now CT is scheduled for Wed and I'm not sure I want to know. I have a bad feeling, but that doesn't mean much.  It's just your average, generic brand of terror that comes from knowing that IF its bad, it's the deadly bad kind of bad. But _years_ of it. Not the "get your affairs in order because it could be any day" kind of bad. But the "we can treat this and hope for a cure while we run your body through the ringer for several if not maybe 10 years before you finally die" kind of bad. I'm sorry if that's morbid or cynical - but if you've tried on these shoes I'm wearing then you know what I mean.

     So then there's the bright side that IF the CT shows healthy ribs, I only have costochondritis. And here's what The Mayo Clinic says about it: 

"It can be frustrating to know that there's little your doctor can do to treat your costochondritis. But you can take self-care measures to make yourself more comfortable, which can give you a greater sense of control over your condition. Try the following:

• Over-the-counter painrelievers. Costochondritis symptoms can often be controlled with acetaminophen (Tylenol, others), ibuprofen (Advil, Motrin, others) or naproxen (Aleve).

• Heat or ice. Try placing hot compresses or a heating pad to the painful area several times a day. Keep the heat on a low setting. Ice also may be helpful.

• Rest. Avoid activities that make your pain worse.

     Through all this, I've been complaining about how tired I am of being a patient. How I just want a break from docs & hospitals & surgeries & "conditions"! I even had a minor breakthrough recently with my lymphedema "condition" and ordered a fancy compression sleeve that looks like I have flower tattoos up & down that arm. My OT was right, it doesn't control the swelling perfectly, but it makes me feel better so I just do extra heavy arm wraps at night to make up for it. But now there's this new rib pain that isn't getting any better no matter what I try. So the fear keeps pullin' me back in! (Al Pacino's got nothing on me.)

      Which leads me to my signature close - a lil Scripture.  I do this because that's the cycle, my cycle anyway. I have Hope, then a new problem, then an old fear, then a new Hope. So here's my newest encouragement. I am a cracked pot. We all are, true. Clay vessels with various flaws, or cracks. My body (aka vessel) has been physically flawed over & over & over going on 10 years now from uterine fibroids to double mastectomies to a titanium hip and the scars & swollen arm & cancer treatment damage in between, so the cracks in my vessel feel huge, and overwhelming at times. Then comes a reminder from Scripture to let my lil' light shine. Show Jesus' power, light, working in my life. And it makes me thankful that I have soooooo many cracks to let the light shine through. That sounds crazy but, if you know Him, you understand that nothing brings more joy than proclaiming His Glory (source: pastor J.Haefs....and The Bible).  If I can remember that suffering produces perseverance, and perseverence produces character, and character produces hope, (Romans 5:3) then I'll be okay.
 
     So while I wait to find out how large this next crack will be, and while I pray a friend through a whole different kind of cancer nightmare, I hold on to Jesus and His unfailing care for me, for us. I groan and mutter "your will be done" but I mean it just the same. He is the captain of my ship, my vessel, and I trust Him. Because I believe He IS who He says He is! (Have you read His book?!) His Word is my lamp, my lighthouse, and my prayer will always be that it shines through each and every crack of my clay pot.

   "But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies." http://bible.com/59/2co.4.7-10.esv

To Him be the power, and the glory, for ever and ever. Amen!

Oily Labor

I'm a bad blogger. But not long after my last post, I got a full time job as assistant to a school librarian so I took it! I was also still taking grad school classes for my MLIS at that time. Finally I slowed down enough this summer to enjoy my friends and family and didn't take any classes. Turns out I quite like it that way so I'm still not taking any classes. I have my full-time job and I'm thankful, but balancing wife/mom/friend/employee is tricky when you work 40hrs/week outside the home, right ladies? I shouldn't complain though, because all I ever wanted was to have a job I'm good at that didn't interfere with me being a FT mom, and I have that! Of course, if I can be THE librarian at a school someday, my pay will more than double. But it could also double my stress and add many extra hours to my work week. Life is full of dilemmas. Which road should I navigate? I have more degrees and certificates than necessary for my assistant job and haven't had a paycheck this small since I worked for 15 hours a week. But after battling breast cancer and spine issues, I have an abiding appreciation for life in the low-stress lane. I am plagued by the question of how my husband and I will ever get back to saving and have a secure retirement though. We're already well into middle age! I can't consider that question without remembering the "gift" of cancer. It tried to teach me that nothing is more important than today. And there are certain things, a lot of things, outside of my control. My health feels like one of them sometimes.

Which brings me to last night, when a beautiful lady was one of several people who prayed for me after I explained how my back pain's been a huge thorn in my side lately and how discouraged (dare I say depressed?) I've felt about it. In the midst of that, without any discussion of my career/paycheck concerns, she described seeing my feet as having fragrant oil on them, leaving oily footprints as I walked through my work assisting in the library. BOOM! I just got encouraged - I'm making/leaving a mark despite my worry that I should do more, or be more, or make more - and it's a good mark (because the oil smells good)! I got encouraged about other stuff I hadn't mentioned either. It floored me, and blessed me. It left me void of anxiety and full of trust, that if my footprints are needed elsewhere, I'll know. Right now, I'm where I should be and I can trust that all will be well even if that changes. I don't have to worry so much about the future because I'm busy leaving oily footprints right now. I bet you are too. I bet there are oily footprints all over the place!

Our pastor preached an especially good sermon yesterday about eternal life. In it, he took a quote by Oliver Wendell Holmes and turned it on it's head! I guess it's the heart of this lil' blog post because you can take this to the bank... sort of like a paycheck. Well, it won't pay for the groceries but - dang it's good. He said,

The only way to be of any earthly good is to be heavenly minded.

So keep your eyes lifted up, remembering to stop and smell the oily footprints along the way.
Happy Labor Day!

Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs without fear of the future. Proverbs 31:25

Two reasons I'm posting this here. Shutterfly will credit me $10. And I can't WAIT to get back here this summer and make a 2013 edition! (btw, I ordered the books for you already Mom/Dad, Mich.) I really should be working on my 6-10pg paper for my MLIS class right now. This was way more fun.

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Serenity Now!

I finally cleaned off my desk! Then I replaced it with an even smaller one so I can't mess it up. And now, with the clutter out of sight at least, I can take a stab at blogging again. (Well, I wrote a post in June, but decided it wasn't worthy to publish. Trust me, it was the right decision.)

I haven't had all that much to say (although my very patient girlfriends would disagree I'm sure). Correction: I haven't had all that much that's positive to say lately. Don't worry! I have no plan to blog all of my complaints and woes! Actually, that is why I'm blogging. I met someone today and as I listened to what she was sharing with me, I had an epiphany! And that's what blogs are for, right? To share epiphanies?

So, in keeping with the theme of my epiphany-esque blog, I have a new job/goal: I think I'm supposed to quit obsessing about my lost beauty. Yes, family and those who have known me for a while know what I mean. After my cancer treatment was done, it was all I could do to manage the new lymphedema fashion-statement, never mind the closet full of clothes that no longer fit. I figured it would get easier to navigate "the sleeve" (it hasn't.)  One year later, I thought, "hmmmm, this fitness-thing isn't going so well, but I'll get my bone pain and hip joint issue addressed. THEN I'll get fit again!"  That's been a long, slow, less-than-successful process so I finally joined Weight Watchers to get some accountability. I got down 10 pounds, then proceeded to jump off that wagon with both feet. Don't ask me why, I can't explain it. I've been trying so hard, for so long, and the painful (literally) transition through menopause has been a bitch y'all! The antiestrogen I take to keep cancer at bay has doubled the trouble, and the ugliness of my lymphedema is the icing on the cake. I've been mad, sad, and apathetic about it, all at the same time. Lately, instead of the hope I've hung on to that, one day, I'll feel beautiful again, I've been giving Weight Watchers the proverbial finger. I'm working on my second Master's degree for crying out loud. And "watching what I eat" isn't working anyway. I'm so tired of this monkey on my back.

Don't give me the "every woman goes through this" thing either. Menopause is different for all of us and it doesn't mean "bye bye beauty!" for every woman. I've got friends who are even MORE beautiful in their 50's than they were in their 20's! Okay, okay, so back to the epiphany. Turns out this woman I just met today is one of those people that you keep meaning to end a conversation with but you can't because you keep finding these connections and commonalities that surprise you both so you keep talking. Breast cancer came up (my lymphedema sleeve is usually the culprit but today it was about a friend she lost to the disease.) As we spoke about it, we discussed the mystery of God's providence and how cancer can be such a strange "gift." Her words reminded me that I had that frame of mind when I was bald, and feeling gross, and not sure how much time I did or didn't have left. Those were the days when I knew that TODAY was really all I could count on. THAT was freedom. THAT was living. I sort of miss those days. Weird, I know.

So in the space of that 15 minutes, that sense came flooding back. And all my body-hate seemed so narrow-minded. I was able, for a moment, to imagine being free...just like I am, overweight and all, to just focus on the joy of living under the same roof as my prince/husband, and to witness the purest joy that is my daughter! NO, I'm not being sappy! This is the stuff that's so hard to articulate. (I could try harder to impress you but I'm tired.) I imagined, for a moment, how it would be to not compare myself to my beautiful sisters (both older and younger) later this month when we're all at the beach together and, instead, just relish every moment with them, be an awesome aunt, radiate true peace,  show hope, and give love! To laugh and laugh, and make a fool of myself to make them laugh! Maybe, just maybe, if all of that happens, maybe I'll be more beautiful than I ever thought I could be.

Nah!
I'll definitely have to wait for the new Heaven & Earth to get there. But damn if it isn't a lovely aspiration. I'm not saying I won't try to remember and live out this new goal. I'm just such a realist - I know I'll fail more than I succeed. But as a very wise counselor (Gordon!) once told me, "Progress comes slowly. Celebrate it whenever you can!" That, I can do. I look forward to it! In between, I'll continue seeking answers to these always-annoying, ever-present beauty dilemmas (The South is the Bible Belt but can be very unChristian if you're a woman who isn't at least _trying_ to look good): just-enough, not-too-much makeup? uncomfortably-tight favorite jeans or just buy the next size up already? To tan or not to tan? Shave my legs or get away with one more day? Pretty shoes or arch-supporting, back-relieving slip-ons? And finally, how will I conceal/deal with my left arm today?

"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference"

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Hot Lava

So I'm not very good at this blogging thing am I? Where do the months go? Today is Sunday, and I'm meeting with a friend soon to talk about some trouble she's having, then I should head over to my women's group that meets every other week...we'll be discussing our new book: Leaving Egypt; Finding God in the Wilderness Places (the author is connected with our former church in SF which I find exciting for some reason.) I've already finished the first 2 chapters and took the blessing of a lazy Sun. morning with coffee in bed to review the 2nd one - about how addictions aren't just the obvious ones -  and came across this passage:

...a quote from Thomas Merton: "To allow oneself to be carried away by a multitude of conflicting concerns, to surrender to too many demands, to commit oneself to too many projects, to want to help everyone in everything is to succumb to violence."

I am convicted and intrigued by this idea. The verb "allow" is key I think. It reminds me of the other day when I was telling my daughter "You always have a choice. You can always say no." Her reply? "Nuh uh Mom! What if you're about to fall into hot lava and die?!"

Ah, the wisdom of a 9 year-old. But she kind of got the "violence" thing didn't she. I guess the idea is to stay away from the hot lava, which is what Thomas Merton is trying to say.  I'm going to keep this in mind this week as I face my multitude of conflicting concerns. I've already surrendered to too many demands and committed to too many projects! (Can I get an amen sister? I know I'm not alone!) But I think I'll start saying no for a little while after this and see what happens. Because I really don't want to fall in hot lava and die! ;)

Psychologically, addiction uses up desire. It is like a psychic malignancy sucking our life energy into specific obsessions and compulsions, leaving less and less energy available for other people and other pursuits." 

- Gerald May

Of battles and glory

A year already?! So many times I felt the urge to write a new post but didn't. So, here I am, a year later. My lymph edema left arm still flares up and is wrapped up like a mummy at the moment, but my breast MRI last month was all clear so...yay! I guess. No, really, I'm very relieved. But my oncologist has said that, because the cancer had broken out of the lymph node they found it in, if I go two years with no return of cancer my chance of 10+ year survival is good. If I go five years with no return, long-term survival looks very good.
So it turns out that making it through the cancer-treatment battle, doesn't win the war. Yet.

My left armpit is battle-scarred as are what's left of any lymph nodes on that side of my chest. But now the "adjunct" treatment (daily Tamoxifen pill) is attacking my hormones by shocking my body into full-blown menopause. Preventing any cell of estrogen (i.e. my cancer fertilizer) is smart, but it turns out that estrogen is usually very desirable for helping prevent wrinkles, muffin tops, arthritis aches, and uterine cancer, among other things.

So, one's mind can become slightly wasted at this point: "Is that arthritis in my hips or did the cancer make it to my bones? Am I going to bed at 7pm so often because I'm worn out or because the cancer made it to another organ in my body?" You have to make an intentional decision not to live like that every day, which reminds you to be thankful just to be here...right now...hearing your daughter laugh hysterically as her dad imitates a dog, feeling her tight squeeze around your neck, each of you waiting to see who lets go first and not wanting to ever let go! That's when the joy comes back and cancer takes a backseat. There's too much to be grateful for everyday to worry it away.

So that's my job these days...adjusting to an attitude of gratitude, as I swallow that bitter pill and tug that ugly sleeve up my arm. It's a "big ol' goofy world," this side of heaven. Makes me want to listen to some John Prine, sip some wine, and remember that all the glory is Thine Lord (not meant to be pithy, but the rhyme just happened, really!) 

So if it's not all about ME, then resting in that knowledge is the purest form of rest I know. That, and a Psalm a day...can go a long way...to making me feel okay! (ahhh I can't quit...must be the hormones.) Peace out.

How to fight cancer

I don’t think I’ve been very productive at my new job, I must say. But negotiating how to go about this job of fighting cancer “right” on a day-to-day basis is not clear. Resting a lot comes pretty easily - for me anyway. I could read & putter all day and never get bored. (Seriously, I have at least 50 books on my to-read shelf, and I read slowly.) The good days and bad days are not predictable yet and each takes me by surprise. I’ve sort of been in “observe” mode. This is a strange, new world and I’m frightened, confused, angry, and then curious and excited about it at times. Yes, excited. Weird? Allow me to explain.

I am reminded of the wonderful weekend I had after my first chemo treatment (which was on Thurs. Jan 13). The infusion itself was mostly painless and my sweet mom stayed with me for that very long day. After that, I think I was so high about getting that first chemo treatment behind me that I was flying for a day or so. I'm sure the doses of steroids helped too. The best part was that I was able to attend a peaceful, though too-brief, retreat with a lot of women from my church...and I would've hated to miss it.  Matt & I’ve been a part of this PCA church for 6+ years now and it’s finally like being wrapped in a warm blanket, to look around and see people who are like family to us and others that we’re eager to know. It feels like something special is happening there these days, in that community, and I love being a part of it now more than ever. Our church has been through some tough "stuff" together that should've made us fall apart. But holding on to the truth of the gospel alone, through those devastating relational storms, has been a powerful (dare I say supernatural) experience.

And now that cancer (and the treatment) is making my body weak, I'm trying to relish this tangible experience of God’s strength. The way my church and friends (near and far!) and family are loving on me is one of the most beautiful experiences I've ever had. It’s like a compass, pointing me again and again to the way Jesus loved/s. It also gives me a sweet glimpse of the way God wants to temper this ugly, fallen world with a taste of heaven...so I won't grow faint, or lose heart. Witnessing His love from this breathtaking vantage point is exciting! And He keeps sending faithful, selfless, loving angels to hold me up (my husband being one of the biggest!) I find myself hoping that I can be that faithful, that selfless, that loving too! It’s a circular kind of thing, this divine love. When you’re being loved on, you want to give love more. It’s really a perfect system.

Then the enemy comes around and whispers how unfair it is that I should receive so much. That there are so many women I know right now who could use some angels in their lives and a dose of that "loving-on"! Ah yes, my close friend Guilt. But truly, I have friends/sisters, who suffer silently, have problems that are near debilitating life-stresses, and these have not earned _them_ a meal calendar or surprise gifts or tweets of love. I feel bad that cancer should get so much attention when there's plenty of unseen suffering all around. So I’ve made this note-to-self: everyone is fighting a battle, sometimes fighting for her spiritual life. We're all walking wounded. Everyone needs to be loved-on. Don’t forget that. And don't forget to see the angels. Or be an angel. Ever.

Before I had cancer and for a long time I often engaged in futile attempts to yank my life, myself, into complete control so I’d be good enough, and smart enough, so that (doggone it) people would like me. I was near suicidal after a broken engagement at 21 but didn’t want to go to hell. I sought out validation like an addict seeks heroin. By the time I was 26, I was completely burned out with a failed marriage in my wake. (Huge pause of shock and awe that this grad of a Christian college ended up divorced!) Okay...so in my shock and awe I worked overtime to console myself, indulge myself, remake myself, empower myself...in various ways. It was thrilling, powerful, and ultimately empty. I remember striking a deal with God: “Lord, I feel like a fish caught on a line and you’re holding the pole. Give me some slack...let me run with this! Oh, but don’t let me go. I have to get out there, away from you, and figure this out for myself. I’m absolutely sure you’ve been holding out on me. Oh yeah, but don’t let me go.” Talk about futility. I kept swimming round and round in circles, looking for the answer in the midst of whatever the pain, uncertainty, confusion was at the time. What I really wanted was for God to prove He loved me and reel me back in...not LET me get away. Getting it through my head that the battle over my soul was fought long ago, finished, complete, and I couldn’t do a thing but receive that rescue, will be a lifelong process. Thankfully, He is a patient, jealous, merciful God! I have learned this if nothing else.

Which brings me back to the women’s retreat. That particular weekend I really enjoyed being reminded that Jesus beat back my biggest idols because I couldn't possibly! I keep engaging them, true, but that's Eve's fault! (Ha ha.) No really, the fact that I keep stumbling around doesn't change the fact that Jesus is the only one who can and will clean up my self-centeredness, impatience, narcissism, pride, self-righteousness...if I'll just go to Him and trust that He's got me covered. He really suffered for that "privilege" too. Took on separation from his Father on that cross....excruciating loneliness! All so that He could face the enemy and claim me (us!) for Heaven? So He can love on us eternally?

I am overwhelmed with gratitude to accept that rescue...that perfect system! If that's not complete redemption, I don't wanna play. Actually, how can I do anything but fall down at His feet in my unworthiness? My ineffectualness. I could never initiate such a perfect love. Every time I return like a prodigal daughter, He reminds me that He loves me, adopted me, even designed me! And that there is a real veil of tears between the now and the not yet that I'll keep bumping in to on this side of heaven. It'll be okay, if I hold on to the truth. He reeled all of us in with his blood...saved us from a life of legalism that would be impossible to succeed at, or atone for. The omnipotent God of the universe can’t even look at sin! So where does that leave me, because every day I find a way to sin against Him? Without Jesus’ rescue, God can’t even look at me, no matter what song and dance I do to impress Him. That’s just the fact. And if it’s not, then that’s not a god I want to worship. Seriously, if there’s some requirement for a successful performance to secure a ticket to eternal life, forget it! Game over.

But holding on to the truth of The Gospel (and not some dynamic speaker’s idea of it) is tricky and requires community. I've learned that for sure! Prayers help. Love helps. Scripture helps (actually, it's quite necessary.) Things might get worse before they get better. If so, I can only hope it shows me more of heaven. So far, it has. I'm convinced that the best remedy for any suffering is the truth of the gospel because it is alive _and_ it never changes! What else in the world can you say that about? Really. Think about it. I guess that’s why this job of fighting cancer (i.e. "suffering") is actually exciting. And why I believe the best way to do it is to simply practice receiving. Receiving doesn't come easy for most of us. But cancer makes it easier somehow. Just saying "thank you!" for the free gift of life, of love, from the Great I Am, the Lord Most High, God Himself, is the beginning of that perfect, breathtaking system. And why it's the best medicine to take on the road to restored health. On the road to life!

Jer 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Back to Work in 2011

So after taking time off and enjoying our Hudson side of the family for Christmas, it's time for me to get my head back in to the breast cancer fight. Actually, I clocked a few hours yesterday, visiting my surgeon (in the midst of this horrible head cold) so she could aspirate about 60 mls of lymph fluid at my surgical site. Sounds worse than it was since that part of my body's still pretty numb. Three weeks after my axillary lymph node dissection, the drain for that fluid was removed but they figured I'd need to be aspirated after a few days. Anyway, my body should be acclimated now and hopefully I'm done with all that fluid business! My left arm is beginning to move more normally now but I wonder how long it will be before it's 100%.
In a few days, I'll have my "Power Port" installed. I'm trying to learn what I can beforehand since I only like surprises when they're in the form of a gift or a party. But you have to admit that it's got a nice ring to it...Power Port. Too bad the thought of the actual device grosses me out. If it didn't have to be one more scar on my beat-up bod, that would be nice too. At least this body is a temporary one.
Today I added to a list of questions that have come up as my research continues. Believe it or not, the docs don't guide you a whole lot once you find you have cancer. They just want you to do what they tell you and you have to know what questions to ask. I understand why that is, but there is SO much information and my family's had some "interesting" medical errors made in the past by well-meaning physicians, so...there's a lot of homework involved with something like this. But guess what? There's an app for that! Good thing my sweetheart husband gave me an iPhone 4 for Christmas! Breastcancer.org has this "Breast Cancer Guide" app that really helped me understand my pathology report and know what questions to ask about it.
I also spent hours today reading forums on that site and gleened some good information, not the least of which is a pre-chemo shopping list (pretty long list!) and tips for putting together a chemo bag to bring to treatments. Now there's a niche market! These tasks are going to be time consuming and if I could just order them, pre-packaged, how nice would that be? Hmmmm...
I also joined one of the forums because we're all starting chemo around the same time. I've never been one to participate in discussion threads online but this one will obviously be a good thing I think. Then I managed to send in for a free silk headwrap from this great non-profit (Good Wishes, an L. Erickson USA program). Nice huh? Next I have to be sure and get my teeth cleaned and a mani/pedi before the 11th since those aren't advisable during treatment (because they can introduce bacteria that can lead to infections.)
Today, however, no one was open for business. Not my doc to tell me if I need an antibiotic for this congestion, not my oncologist to advise me about my congestions and what it will/will not mean for Tues. port procedure, not the dentist to clean my teeth... Thankfully my laptop is on the job and I could get a headstart on 2011's agenda. Is it okay to admit I'm already looking forward to looking back on this next Christmas?
Okay, 2011 may not be my happiest year yet, but I'm determined to welcome it nonetheless. A wise counselor recently reminded me that Joseph probably didn't see Jesus' birth as the happiest moment of his life either. Yeah...think about that! He probably saw all his dreams for Mary and himself crumble. But he accepted and walked head on into God's purpose for his life, and with that, was instrumental in a very good thing (understatement, I know.) Maybe my unpleasant work this coming year will result in some unforeseen blessings. Sometimes I'm actually pretty hopeful it will. Other times, I'm just annoyed and discouraged. I'm assuming the blessings along the way will counteract that? Then again, considering Joseph, it will require unflinching obedience. And "obedience is better than sacrifice" (I Sam 15:22). Of course, an angel of the Lord appearing to me in dreams would be quite helpful! On the other hand, maybe it's God's mercy that prevents this. And, yes, I already know what He requires of me...Micah 6:8 "what does the Lord require of you, But to do justice, to love kindness, And to walk humbly with your God"...so, no excuses.
For now, 2011 fast approaches. I pray it's a good new year for us all, and may it bring unforeseen blessing surprises in abundance!

On-the-job training: Hair

So one of the first things I did after visiting with an oncologist a couple of weeks ago is get a haircut. Parting with part of my hair seemed like it'd make the transition to _bald_ (which the doc has guaranteed) easier, especially for my daughter who fears my baldness more than anything in the world. Sad, but true. So I marched the whole family down to our local Super Cuts. Yes, that's right. My husband & daughter have no problem with Super Cuts...they're easy. But it's never been acceptable for ME to get a haircut there! My hair is complicated. My hair is important. My hair is ME for goodness sake. But I just went ahead and got my hair cut by an unknown hair cutter right there on the spot. Perhaps it was my way of rebelling against this cancer. Sort of giving it the finger if you will. That makes no sense, but I digress. Anyway, I just said, "go short and try to avoid a bob." I must say, it was liberating...having no fear of a bad haircut?! If only I lived like this always! I felt so silly for paying outrageous sums of money for haircuts in the past. So, one of the first things I've learned from my new job is...don't live in fear of a bad haircut. I mean, experts (really good hair experts) should be payed for their talent. But remember, that it's only HAIR. And it grows back. Eventually. And that $$ I didn't spend on my hair? I'm saving up for a wig.  :)

Thank God for sick days

Well, the sweaty exercise regime is still in the "planning" phase, ha! But I haven't had time to be lazy either. There was a flurry of holiday-prep activity and doc appointments before I headed in for surgery 3 days ago. I managed a ton of laundry along with Christmas decor (with my sweet family's help of course.) I _think_ Santa is ready for my 7-year-old and all the little traditions we have, like the Advent calendar and the nativity boxes, are good to go! I enjoyed so much love and attention in the days prior to my surgery when I was feeling like a whiny toddler indulging in a temper tantrum. I didn't WANT to have surgery again (#9 in the past seven years by the way.) But my Abba Daddy just held on to me and by Sunday evening, I was full of peace and suddenly felt a surge of strength that would take me through my hospital experience on Tuesday. It was really amazing. 
When I had my mastectomies/reconstruct back in 2006, my hospital experience was a nightmare. From insensitive nurses in the recovery room to a shortage of pain meds to vomiting from an anesthesia hangover. I was really dreading Tuesday even though I was at a different hospital. I shared this with my surgeon too, and anyone else who'd listen (sorry to you all who had to listen!) But it was the complete opposite experience this time and exactly what I needed to get me past that paranoia I'd been carrying around. I wasn't even the slightest bit nauseated from the anesthesia and the pain meds have been very effective. Phew! When a lovely hospital chaplain came by later on Tues. asking if I'd like prayer, I asked if we could give praise instead! He stood there with me and my whole family holding hands and thanking God and it was fantastic.
The best part has been being able to come home and show my little girl that staying in the hospital for surgery is okay. That I came home and am alright. Now maybe she won't be afraid if she ever has to have surgery too.
So that part of my job is done. This recovery part is going pretty well so far too. I have the most amazing mom who totally understands since she's been through this same surgery herself 14 years ago. I have the most loving dad, sisters, husband, daughter, friends and even the snuggliest tail-wagging companion to help me while I manage the pain and the ICKY drain on my left side for the next couple of weeks. Pathology on the lymph nodes and tissue that was removed on Tuesday should be back by Friday or Monday. Then we'll see what else this job has in store. While I wait, I'm enjoying gifts and meals and drawing GREAT strength from that love. I'll get back to work, and the docs, in a couple of weeks. I am welcoming this opportunity to take some "sick days" and am just thankful for the rest!
"For no one is cast off by the Lord forever.  Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to anyone." Lamentations 3: 31-33

I found a job!!

No, not that job with Better Basics where I got the loudest silent treatment ever for my recent job application. No, not the job with United Way as an advocate for Healthy Kids (where at least I got an interview.) No, not with Samford University as a recruiter for their Teacher Ed. program or with UAB in their reading lab, or with First Teachers at Home or many other jobs that I applied for and ended up with zero response this past year {sigh}.
No, I got a job that will pay up for the rest of my life as long as I have one! My full-time, 24/7 job now is to fight the breast cancer that has returned, after a 4 year hiatus, and is now invasive. I feel so lucky that I didn't get another job, and don't have to have another job right now, because I really have to take this one. Matt really wants me to succeed at this job too and there are a lot of others that are counting on me and want me to take this job seriously...namely, my daughter, my parents, my sisters, my friends...
Fortunately I don't have to work alone. Sometimes I prefer to work alone but I think if I try that with this job, I will fall flat on my face. And perhaps die actually. So I am enlisting aid first from my greatest Helper, Friend, Lover of my soul, Lord of my life and source of all blessings...Jesus Christ. He knows just how to lighten my load, give me rest, and lead me to a peace that passes understanding. I'm also enlisting aid from doctors but I'm choosing them very carefully. Just a month ago (before we found the naughty lymph node under my arm) I had a doctor tell me that I should start taking estrogen. Hellooooooo! I had breast cancer 4 years ago and I'm not in menopause overdrive yet!! I decided he was wrong and never started taking the estrogen (thank God) but went back to argue with him about the estrogen AND show him this lymph node I could feel under my left arm (same side I had cancer), he tried to assure me it was foliculitis! I bit my tongue but insisted I needed at least an ultrasound and he patronized me with one. Turns out, cancer's been hiding in there. SO...he won't be helping me with my new job but I've got a team of experts instead! Then I'm enlisting aid from family, friends, and my church.
I think I'm covered! I start right away so future blogs here will be about job-related tasks.
Task #1 : start a sweaty exercise regime. Alrighty then! Off I go.

Inspired

Community Church Without Walls / Food and Family
I love the focus on relationship first, teaching second. Wish I'd understood this better when I was a classroom teacher.

friends

Off the subject of my own career crisis...last night, I enjoyed my time at our weekly Community Group more than usual. After lively discussions about Food Rules, Celebrity Rehab, Lost, 24, and The Bachelor (and a lot of laughing!), we got around to considering Tom's message last Sunday regarding Communion. And I got to ask my question. I understand the point about "remembering the poor" but how do we actually DO that? If "remembering" means "orienting our lives around" and "serving," what does that really look like? I mean really? We're not all supposed to go live in Africa, or spend our afternoons at Southtown. Sending that money to World Vision for Peace (a 6-yr-old boy in Zimbabwe) once a month just doesn't seem like "orienting my life" around this child. And whether or not I attend auxiliary meetings for a woman's shelter doesn't make a difference. It all feels like a mere token.
Anyway, we had a thought-provoking discussion last night. We talked about how relationship seems to be at the heart of this "remembering." Then I recalled a book that helped me wrestle with this in the past. And I picked it up this morning and opened it up to Chp. 11 "Servants or Friends?" After briefly breaking down the idea of Jesus having things "backward" and always "turning things upside down," (the greatest among you will be your servant, Matt. 23:10-12, etc...), the author explains how Christians have tended to get _Christ_ backwards and says, "There are bad servants as well as good servants. The critical issue may be in understanding the difference. A good servant must really have it backward. He can't use the imperatives of mission and service to dominate and control."
He goes on to say that America's GNP is now dependent on an economy of professional servers (doctors, lawyers, politicians, teachers etc...) So now, "instead of a nation of conquistadors, we are a nation of servers...the question is, whether we are a nation of good servants or lords of commercialized systems of service that attempt to exert control."
Finally, the author explains it in relation to communion...and this really spoke to me. So I've copied it here, word for word:
"At the Last Supper, Christ was telling the disciples those things of greatest importance. It was His final opportunity to communicate the central values of His faith. "No longer do I call you servants," He said, "for a servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I heard from My Father, I have made known to you" (John 15:15). Finally, Christ said you are not servants. You know the Father's heart. You know the inside story. You are friends. Perhaps beyond the revolutionary Christian mandate of service is the final revolution, the possibility of being friends. Friends are people who know each other, who care, respect, struggle and are committed through time. Christ's mandate to be friends is a revolutionary idea in our serving society. Why friends rather than servants? Perhaps it is because He knew that servants could always become lords but that friends could not. Professional servants may operate on the assumption that "you will be better because I know better," but friends believe that "we will be better because we share in each others' lives." Servants are people who know the mysteries that can control those to whom they give "help." Friends, on the other hand, are free to give and receive help from each other. Here we are, a nation of professional servers, following Christ's mandate to serve. And here He is, at the final moment, getting it backward once again. The final message is not to serve. Rather, He directs us to be friends."
from Compassion, Justice, and the Christian Life; Rethinking Ministry to the Poor, by Robert Lupton. p.67
It probably makes better sense in the context of the whole book (of course) and I have no final conclusion on this. But it's given me good food for thought and a desire to share it for whatever reason. It also leaves me with a sense of gratitude, esp. to: a) Mr. Lupton for being wise enough to distill this point and write so clearly and b) the friends I'm humbled by who get this serving thing backwards in the best way (at places like Bethany Home, Better Basics, Red Mountain Church, Restoration Academy, Cornerstone School, SouthTown, Young Life...) Who knows? Maybe this will plant a seed in the garden of my career crisis. That will be my prayer for now.

A wine digression

Still in search of an inventory that's going to tell me my next step. Ha! (This is sounding like a midlife crisis.) Seriously, I do believe an inventory of my "gifts" might give some direction...help me understand the ph balance of my "soil" better. Let me explain.
A teacher recently explained I Cor. 7: 1-16 to me in a way that made sense by using the wine industry as a metaphor. Europe has a rich history of great wine. Decades ago, folks in the Napa Valley region of Northern California decided they could start the same great wine-making tradition there. University scientists tried to adjust the content of the soil to imitate that of the great European vineyards. It didn't work. But when the Napa Valley growers stopped manipulating the soil and started growing what would readily work on their land, then they had some great wine. Different than Europe, but great anyway. (By some experts standards, but I digress....)
Anyway...the idea is that God can still grow something quite good on my "land" without me manipulating the hell out of it. If I can be satisfied that God gave me enough and that He is using it and will use it for something...something...then that's a whole different way of being ambitious. It may not be flashy or "important" or high-paying (or maybe it will!) But there will be purpose and fruit and it'll be good fruit if I can stop messing with it (picking it too early, ignoring the pests, feeding it the wrong stuff...) It might be that I'm a delicious table wine or that I'm a rare, expensive bottle of Moet Chandon. I need (okay, want) both equally, they're just assigned to different occasions. That's the point. God knows what He's doing...we can't all be assigned to the wedding feast. Who would have the family dinner duty?
In this I Cor. passage, Paul seems to say that neither ambition counts for anything, nor lack of ambition counts for anything, only faith working out in love. So I'm asking God to show me what grows in my little garden and help me enjoy (vs. envy) what other gardens grow and maybe the peace that comes from that will be contagious. Certainly there will be blessings amidst the pruning. And to that I say "Cheers" (and pour me another please!)

Where to start

That is the question. After six years out of the "work force," I feel like I'm a good, solid sailboat that is adrift...bobbing around in the vast ocean with no wind in her sails. But I've hoisted the jib anyway, certain that the wind will come.
I used to own a 30' Catalina sailboat in the San Francisco Bay. It was a beautiful boat that I named Sweet Dreams. It wasn't new but was well kept, except for the engine. It had a cracked head that had to be replaced. I've had a few repairs myself in the last six years...none of them voluntary unfortunately. My sailboat also had a tiller instead of a wheel and I loved that about her because I could really "feel" the nuances of steering her in every kind of wind and current combination. With a wheel, you have to anticipate and compensate more. Maybe that's why I've always preferred a car with a manual transmission as well. I want to respond directly to the engine based on what I sense...and I want the engine to respond immediately. I think I'm like my boat and my car...I drive better on instinct, based on current conditions.
Now I'm sure there's some very deep meaning in there somewhere about how I'm approaching my present situation...but, if you're reading this blog, do you really care? It's all relative anyway.
Mainly, I'm betting that a lot of other moms are just as frustrated about bobbing around and, like me, are having a hard time figuring out where to start now that her kids are in school. Many of us feel compelled to find paying work just to help with the outrageous cost of health care or college tuition or just so our kids can take dance/music/karate lessons. But we're torn because we're even more compelled to be _with_ our children when school gets out. Being available to manage semi-regular sit-down dinners with our families and keep the laundry at bay are valid concerns for us. We want to work, but it has to be part time, and it has to be _worth_ our time. Our time is just as valuable as any other professional tax-payer, isn't it?
So where do I start if I'm not getting back on the same track I left six years ago? In the years preceding motherhood, I worked very hard in my chosen profession. I saw my public teaching work as a mission and was able to give myself to it fully. But now? I can't afford to spend a large part of my day with groups of children who need me (in so many different ways) then continue that calling when I come home too. The way it drains you...I can't afford it emotionally or physically. Not yet. (It pretty much stinks financially too but that's another story.)
But I have experience and "mad skills" built up over more than a decade...not to mention all that higher education. There must be something I can do, that is PAID, where I could have impact. Where I could use my "gifts." Which has led me to consider filling out one of the many spiritual gift inventories out there. No, I've never done one. But I'm sensing that might be a fine place to steer my boat today in search of a little breeze...and see if that takes me somewhere. There might not be any wind there either, in which case I'll keep waiting and bobbing...and keeping my eyes firmly on the horizon (see Psalm 121) because when I forget to do that and look down, even for a moment, I get seriously seasick.